


Me Inside Of Me

by Mercy_Rhyne



Series: The Four Fics Of The Angst-pocalypse [3]
Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, it's all very sad, self doubt, self hate, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 03:14:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12099486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Rhyne/pseuds/Mercy_Rhyne
Summary: Warnings: Angst, implication of suicide, self hate, one possibly gory descriptionIt's a songfic on Me Inside of Me from Heathers.





	Me Inside Of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Angst, implication of suicide, self hate, one possibly gory description
> 
> It's a songfic on Me Inside of Me from Heathers.

Roman sat down at the small desk in his room and looked at the paper in front of him. Why was it that he needed this to be perfect? Why was he never content with any word that he printed on the paper? Why did he throw out any paper if one letter wasn’t the way it should be? Maybe it was because he wanted his last message to this world to be perfect. Maybe it was because he wanted to stretch this moment as long as he could. Because something, deep, deep inside, wanted to hang on to this world as long as possible. Because it didn’t want to leave this behind.

_Dear world..._  
_Believe it or not, I knew about fear;_  
_I knew the way loneliness stung._  
_I hid behind smiles and crazy hot clothes;_  
_I learned to kiss boys with my tongue._  
_But oh, the world, it held me down;_  
_it weighed like a concrete prom queen crown_

They thought of him as the brave one. Everyone did. Everyone saw him as the brave, heroic prince who would kill anyone if it meant that his loved ones were happy. And he would, he would do anything if it meant the others were happy and safe. But he wasn’t heroic, he wasn’t brave. He would risk his life for them, but only because he knew their lives were worth more than his. He didn’t know what he would do if the others were hurt, or worse, because he failed to protect him. That was his job, as the prince and the hero. What would the others say if he failed? That was the only thing he was good at, besides coming up with creative ideas for videos and what not. What would the others say of him if he couldn’t even do that one thing? He already failed at anything else anyways. 

_No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings._  
_No one gets her insecurity._  
_I am more than shoulder pads and makeup._  
_No one sees the me inside of me._

Why could no one see he was hurting? Why didn’t they see that their comments hurt him? Did they not want to see? Did they not believe he could be hurt? Or was he the problem? Did he not show enough pain at their remarks? Did they not see they hurt? Every time someone - Logan - made comments about his intelligence, his heart broke a little. Every insulting nickname Virgil gave him, felt like a dagger to him - okay, maybe he did deserve those, he hadn’t treated the anxious side that well himself. But still, every day, those remarks came back to him. He was stupid. He was vapid. He was slow witted. He wasn’t worth anything. 

_They couldn't see past my rockstar mystique,_  
_They wouldn't dare look in my eyes._  
_But just underneath was a terrified girl_  
_who clings to her pillow and cries!_

Yes. He was scared. He was scared of the judgement of others. After “Am I Original?”, Roman had grown more reluctant to share his ideas with the others, afraid they would turn them down, just like back then. It was as if the others thought they could say anything they wanted to him. It was as if they believed that they could look him in the eyes and tell him he was worthless, that he meant nothing to them, that he would be better off dead, that they would all be better off without him and expect him not to crumble. It was as if they thought they could say anything to him and he would be fine with it. And while he never showed the others, their comments hurt. They hurt so much. It would hurt less if one stabbed him with a sword and twisted it. 

_My looks were just like prison bars;_  
_they've left me a myriad of scars._  
_No one thinks a pretty girl has substance. That's the curse of popularity._  
_I am more than just a source of handjobs._  
_No one sees the me inside of me._

He was being pushed in a box. A box he didn’t want to be in. He was being hard enough on himself. All he wanted was a group of friends around him who reassured him. Someone to ease the pressure he put on himself. But instead, they only increased the pressure. It grew and it grew and it grew until it was too much to handle and it broke him. And that point was now. The pressure had been building up for far too long now. He couldn’t take this anymore. He was being pushed in a box and he couldn’t get out of it. For over a year, the viewers had turned Roman into the heroic side and he couldn’t turn it back now. Everyone already expected him to be the perfect, charming, confident prince he couldn’t be. 

_Box up my clothing for Goodwill,_  
_and give the poor my Nordic Track._  
_Donate my car to crippled kids,_  
_or to those ghetto moms on crack._  
_Give them my hats and my CDs,_  
_my pumps and my flats, my three TVs!_

A few tears fell on the paper in front of him. When had he started crying? He didn’t know. But he hated it. It showed weakness. He wasn't supposed to be weak. He was the _prince_ for crying out loud! The hero. Heroes aren’t supposed to show weakness. They’re supposed to save the day when needed. They are strong, they are brave. Heroes don’t cry.  
Roman buried his face in his hands. Even now, alone in his room, he felt the pressure to be perfect. The pressure to be charming, to be brave. It was unbearable. There was a weight on his shoulders that had broken his bones and his spirit. He tried so hard to be perfect and it only made him paranoid and anxious. What did he even have to offer this world? How could he save the world if he couldn’t even rescue himself from his own, villainous thoughts? He couldn’t be a hero to the world if he continued to be his own villain. And there was only one way to end it. 

_No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings;_  
_but I weep for all I failed to be._  
_Maybe I can help the world by leaving;_  
_Maybe that’s the me inside of me._

He could have done so much more. He _wanted_ to do so much more. But something stopped him. Not just externally, but something in his mind. Something in his head stopped him. It wouldn't work anyways. He would fail. Like he always failed at everything. And besides, the others wouldn’t want him to try other things. They needed him, so they seemed more clever next to him. He was the idiot of the group, he knew they all thought that. He knew they would never see him as anything else but a prince with a pretty face. That’s all he was to them. Even the fans saw him as the handsome, but stupid prince. And even though the fact that they thought of him as handsome had flattered him...  he was much more than that. He wasn’t stupid, or naïve, or dumb. He wasn’t just a pretty face. Why did no one see that? Why could they not see that? Why didn’t they give him a chance to prove that he was more than they pegged him to be? Why didn’t they give him a chance before it was too late?

_I will never forget you_  
_Love, Roman._


End file.
